Words Defined Me.
Who am I? I am often frustrated with myself, wondering this question. Why don't I know? My heart grows sad, as all my insecurities develop in the darkroom of my mind. I am lazy. I am fat. I am selfish and judgemental. I don't do much right. And I began to cry, overwhelmed by just how crappy I really seem to be, by how awful of a person I really am. Part of me believes these lies, takes them to heart, and they drain me. They are self-fulling prophecies. I am lazy, and I sit unproductively, no energy to actually do anything - especially clean the house which wow, should have been cleaned a week ago. I am fat so I try to lose weight, but inevitably fail, get discouraged, and accept my fate. I am selfish and thinking about myself doesn't seem to change that. I am judgemental and then it's hard to share my faith, and I need to leave some opinions out of conversations - what would people think of me? And this cycle is a vicious one, bludgeoning my heart until it is smashed, too weak to stand tall and actually be great. It lies down, sad and lonely. I'd rather sit in a room with the lights off and nap all day than actually try to change who I am because I only fail.
But where did I get these awful ideas about myself? And is this really who I am?
I am not these things, these lies do not define me. I am realizing this slowly, and it's much clearer today than it has been before. So, where did I get this idea of who I am?
I wrote out a list of stereotypes and misconceptions about me today. It was an art assignment, preparing us to create a self portrait. Here is what I wrote:
Stereotypes/Misconceptions:
airheard
awkward
young (implying naivety)
valley girl (ditzy)
judgemental
uppity
dependent/not self sufficient/incapable
lacking common sense
lazy
middle class
selfish
unprofessional
Now, some of these stereotypes, I assume people think. Some of these stereotypes people have actually verbalized to me. And some of these I think of myself. And even though these are misconceptions, these words of insecurity have sunk deep into my heart and defined me.
I have been what I have been called.
Here are some examples:
When I was in elementary school, I was put in challenge courses and was in the talented and gifted program, and would sometimes have completely different homework than the others students, because what the other students were doing didn't challenge me at all. I was called really smart, and very mature for my age. So what did I believe? That I was very smart (smarter than most people) and mature. I thought highly of myself.
One day when I was very young, probably 4 or 5, I was walking home from school to the babysitters, who lived right next to the school grounds. And I was walking with this 3rd grader who also went to the same babysitters. And on the walk over, he called me ugly. And I still remember it, and I'm 20 years old. I took it so much to heart that I never believed myself to be attractive, starting at age 5. And I was demeaned in other ways for my physical appearance as well - a classic being that people making fun of my previously very buck teeth. And when people called me those things, I was those things. I was ugly, I felt like. Plus, the guy I had a huge crush on actually mouthed "I hate you" from across the cafeteria which is funny to me now, but heartbreaking then. What was I supposed to think I was?
As I got older, I was made fun of my voice a lot. It is high pitched and sounds like a valley girl, so I was no longer called smart as much, but rather an airheard and ditzy, lacking common sense. I'm not saying it was because of those words because I don't believe it was, but I started to not care about school as much and the moment I got a B my freshman year of high school in math, I gave up on my dreams of a 4.0 (obviously) and cared a whole lot less. And realized I wasn't smart in math (because of that class, because of that B! I had actually been in above average math classes up to that point) I began to hate math and not do well in it.
There's other examples, of course, but I look back on these and I think about how much words have defined me. Words people have called me should have been just words, but, especially when they were repeated, were internalized.
And here I get to 20 years old, and I cry about what I think that I am. But what am I really?
And here comes self-realization time.
You and I should both know that thinking negatively about yourself or something does not mean you are thinking clearly or humbly or even accurately. Negativity isn't closer to the truth - it is often the farthest from the truth. I think it's easier for us to believe negative opinions about ourselves than positive ones. Sometimes you need a second opinion (or two, or three) to make you see clearly. Probably one million unbiased views put together would be the most accurate human opinion. But, at least for me, and here steps in my faith, the opinion of one God is all the truth you need. And if God is truth, that means everything he says about you is truthful because he cannot lie. And God loves you, and He calls you and me full of worth. He made us. He knows us, and He knows our situation. In the end, negativity is not the answer and negativity is NOT humility and it shouldn't define you. And you are not what others think of you, or even what you think of yourself.
(On a side note, reflecting upon this makes me realize how important words are. I have torn down people with my words so much before, and I know how it feels because I've been torn down by them too. We all have been torn down by words. And because words often define what we think of ourselves, I realize now even more so how important it is to speak words of healing into other people's lives. Words of positive truth.)
Someone emailed me the other day saying "keep shining your bright light. it's lovely. xo" and it was hard for me to internalize. Bright light? Lovely? But I do have a bright light, and I am lovely, and that's not pride, that's actually self-actualization. Pride is both self pity and thinking too highly of yourself. I want to think of myself CLEARLY and I want to think of myself TRUTHFULLY. Who I am not to be lovely? Why do we choose to believe the negative over the positive?
So, here we are again. Who am I? Who are you? I look to the Bible for truth in this.
"For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well". - Psalm 139: 13-14
I should no longer believe the lies of people, the lies of the enemy, and the lies of my self. I am not materialized in those words. I will look to truth to see who I really am, and truth is Christ to me. If you struggle with similar thoughts, I hope this encouraged you and I hope it made sense. You are loved and of value and stop letting negative words define you. Let positive words be your self-fulfilling prophecies because you truly are loved, important, and of value.
God is good!
"
But where did I get these awful ideas about myself? And is this really who I am?
I am not these things, these lies do not define me. I am realizing this slowly, and it's much clearer today than it has been before. So, where did I get this idea of who I am?
I wrote out a list of stereotypes and misconceptions about me today. It was an art assignment, preparing us to create a self portrait. Here is what I wrote:
Stereotypes/Misconceptions:
airheard
awkward
young (implying naivety)
valley girl (ditzy)
judgemental
uppity
dependent/not self sufficient/incapable
lacking common sense
lazy
middle class
selfish
unprofessional
Now, some of these stereotypes, I assume people think. Some of these stereotypes people have actually verbalized to me. And some of these I think of myself. And even though these are misconceptions, these words of insecurity have sunk deep into my heart and defined me.
I have been what I have been called.
Here are some examples:
When I was in elementary school, I was put in challenge courses and was in the talented and gifted program, and would sometimes have completely different homework than the others students, because what the other students were doing didn't challenge me at all. I was called really smart, and very mature for my age. So what did I believe? That I was very smart (smarter than most people) and mature. I thought highly of myself.
One day when I was very young, probably 4 or 5, I was walking home from school to the babysitters, who lived right next to the school grounds. And I was walking with this 3rd grader who also went to the same babysitters. And on the walk over, he called me ugly. And I still remember it, and I'm 20 years old. I took it so much to heart that I never believed myself to be attractive, starting at age 5. And I was demeaned in other ways for my physical appearance as well - a classic being that people making fun of my previously very buck teeth. And when people called me those things, I was those things. I was ugly, I felt like. Plus, the guy I had a huge crush on actually mouthed "I hate you" from across the cafeteria which is funny to me now, but heartbreaking then. What was I supposed to think I was?
As I got older, I was made fun of my voice a lot. It is high pitched and sounds like a valley girl, so I was no longer called smart as much, but rather an airheard and ditzy, lacking common sense. I'm not saying it was because of those words because I don't believe it was, but I started to not care about school as much and the moment I got a B my freshman year of high school in math, I gave up on my dreams of a 4.0 (obviously) and cared a whole lot less. And realized I wasn't smart in math (because of that class, because of that B! I had actually been in above average math classes up to that point) I began to hate math and not do well in it.
There's other examples, of course, but I look back on these and I think about how much words have defined me. Words people have called me should have been just words, but, especially when they were repeated, were internalized.
And here I get to 20 years old, and I cry about what I think that I am. But what am I really?
And here comes self-realization time.
You and I should both know that thinking negatively about yourself or something does not mean you are thinking clearly or humbly or even accurately. Negativity isn't closer to the truth - it is often the farthest from the truth. I think it's easier for us to believe negative opinions about ourselves than positive ones. Sometimes you need a second opinion (or two, or three) to make you see clearly. Probably one million unbiased views put together would be the most accurate human opinion. But, at least for me, and here steps in my faith, the opinion of one God is all the truth you need. And if God is truth, that means everything he says about you is truthful because he cannot lie. And God loves you, and He calls you and me full of worth. He made us. He knows us, and He knows our situation. In the end, negativity is not the answer and negativity is NOT humility and it shouldn't define you. And you are not what others think of you, or even what you think of yourself.
(On a side note, reflecting upon this makes me realize how important words are. I have torn down people with my words so much before, and I know how it feels because I've been torn down by them too. We all have been torn down by words. And because words often define what we think of ourselves, I realize now even more so how important it is to speak words of healing into other people's lives. Words of positive truth.)
Someone emailed me the other day saying "keep shining your bright light. it's lovely. xo" and it was hard for me to internalize. Bright light? Lovely? But I do have a bright light, and I am lovely, and that's not pride, that's actually self-actualization. Pride is both self pity and thinking too highly of yourself. I want to think of myself CLEARLY and I want to think of myself TRUTHFULLY. Who I am not to be lovely? Why do we choose to believe the negative over the positive?
So, here we are again. Who am I? Who are you? I look to the Bible for truth in this.
"For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well". - Psalm 139: 13-14
But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light. - 1 Peter 2:9
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. - 2 Corinthians 5:17
"You are altogether beautiful, my love; there is no flaw in you." - Song of Solomon 4:7
I should no longer believe the lies of people, the lies of the enemy, and the lies of my self. I am not materialized in those words. I will look to truth to see who I really am, and truth is Christ to me. If you struggle with similar thoughts, I hope this encouraged you and I hope it made sense. You are loved and of value and stop letting negative words define you. Let positive words be your self-fulfilling prophecies because you truly are loved, important, and of value.
God is good!
"
I just love this, and you, so much.
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